Torchwood: Series 1, Episode 2 review

I’ve now watched Chibnall’s first written episode of Torchwood (and, I believe, his first venture into Who), and this was exactly as awful as I’d expected.

There’s an instant emphasis on just how low-brow and patronising this shite is from the outset- from the clinically juvenile dialogue (Ah, I’m cummin’!... He’ll shag anything living”) to the downright banal concept and the redundant insertions of idiotic scenes. Yes, an alien that feeds off orgasms is certainly the height of adult TV.

Did we need to see the CCTV monitor wanking off to both adolescents getting in on in the toilet fast cut with obnoxious editing? Does it say anything of value? Does the episode bother to critique this action? No, but Chibnall is constantly adamant that we embrace this bollocks, as evidenced by the episode’s revelling in Jack and the rest of the main cast being entranced by Gwen being sexually assaulted and on the brink of death on the monitor for a stupid gag. Completely indulgent on Chibnall’s part, and a pitiful display of characterisation on every level.

Add to this the sheer vacuity behind every bloody character in this tripe, the additional inclusion of obnoxious music cues, appallingly choppy direction and completely lack of maturity and integrity within the script, and a precedent is set for Chibnall’s status as a Who writer.

Regardless of the programme’s intention to be perceived as “adult”, absolutely no nuance is provided to the characters in this series, and the tone at hand is so condescending and childish that any pretence of intelligence dissipates instantly. A considerable step down from the first episode (which wasn’t especially good to begin with), and one of the most vacuous examples of Who material I have had the displeasure to experience.

Call me crazy, but I actually thought this was one of Chibnall's more watchable Torchwood episodes, and I did beside myself find the possessed teenager quite sympathetic and got a little bit involved in the chase.

But yeah, it was little more than just fast food television.

Tanmann wrote:Call me crazy, but I actually thought this was one of Chibnall's more watchable Torchwood episodes.

Wish me luck for his later instalments.

Bernard Marx wrote:

Tanmann wrote:Call me crazy, but I actually thought this was one of Chibnall's more watchable Torchwood episodes.

Wish me luck for his later instalments.

If you make it through Cyberwoman, you'll be a man!

Bernard Marx wrote:I’ve now watched Chibnall’s first written episode of Torchwood (and, I believe, his first venture into Who), and this was exactly as awful as I’d expected.

There’s an instant emphasis on just how low-brow and patronising this shite is from the outset- from the clinically juvenile dialogue (Ah, I’m cummin’!... He’ll shag anything living”) to the downright banal concept and the redundant insertions of idiotic scenes. Yes, an alien that feeds off orgasms is certainly the height of adult TV.

Did we need to see the CCTV monitor wanking off to both adolescents getting in on in the toilet fast cut with obnoxious editing? Does it say anything of value? Does the episode bother to critique this action? No, but Chibnall is constantly adamant that we embrace this bollocks, as evidenced by the episode’s revelling in Jack and the rest of the main cast being entranced by Gwen being sexually assaulted and on the brink of death on the monitor for a stupid gag. Completely indulgent on Chibnall’s part, and a pitiful display of characterisation on every level.

Add to this the sheer vacuity behind every bloody character in this tripe, the additional inclusion of obnoxious music cues, appallingly choppy direction and completely lack of maturity and integrity within the script, and a precedent is set for Chibnall’s status as a Who writer.

Regardless of the programme’s intention to be perceived as “adult”, absolutely no nuance is provided to the characters in this series, and the tone at hand is so condescending and childish that any pretence of intelligence dissipates instantly. A considerable step down from the first episode (which wasn’t especially good to begin with), and one of the most vacuous examples of Who material I have had the displeasure to experience.

It was absolutely ghastly. It was also a rip off, of a not particularly good episode of Angel about a Demon preying on people through sex.

The Angel episode however at least wasn't infantile. It didn't focus on sex, more on how the Demon preys on the lonely people who get forgotten about in LA.

Supernatural did it best with the Siren episode. This however was just a joke.

Torchwood in general made such an impact on me that I can't really remember much about it, having never had the urge to revisit it. Apart from the Children of Earth story which was surprisingly fairly good, it was complete shite.

Ludders wrote:Torchwood in general made such an impact on me that I can't really remember much about it, having never had the urge to revisit it. Apart from the Children of Earth story which was surprisingly fairly good, it was complete shite.

I’m mostly holding out for Children of Earth at this rate, given that it seems to be generally rather well received. But I don’t know if I can be arsed to sit through two shite seasons before I get to it.

I’ll plough through it for now, although I can’t say it’s been a particularly good experience thus far.

Bernard Marx wrote:

Ludders wrote:Torchwood in general made such an impact on me that I can't really remember much about it, having never had the urge to revisit it. Apart from the Children of Earth story which was surprisingly fairly good, it was complete shite.

I’m mostly holding out for Children of Earth at this rate, given that it seems to be generally rather well received. But I don’t know if I can be arsed to sit through two shite seasons before I get to it.

I’ll plough through it for now, although I can’t say it’s been a particularly good experience thus far.

I haven't seen CoE since it was broadcast, but it was the closest thing to how Torchwood could've/should've been.
By any other standards it was probably only a cut above average, but by Torchwood standards it was very good.

Bernard Marx wrote:

Ludders wrote:Torchwood in general made such an impact on me that I can't really remember much about it, having never had the urge to revisit it. Apart from the Children of Earth story which was surprisingly fairly good, it was complete shite.

I’m mostly holding out for Children of Earth at this rate, given that it seems to be generally rather well received. But I don’t know if I can be arsed to sit through two shite seasons before I get to it.

I’ll plough through it for now, although I can’t say it’s been a particularly good experience thus far.

There's about on average 1 really good episode per season with Season 1 & 2 and about 2 more average to good episodes per season. The bulk of the episodes are sub-par to terrible I'm afraid. They're either incredibly dull/second rate or annoyingly dumbtarded for base-driven thickos.

The good news is the next episode is marginally better than Chinballs moronic shite you've just endured.

Rob Filth wrote:

Bernard Marx wrote:

Ludders wrote:Torchwood in general made such an impact on me that I can't really remember much about it, having never had the urge to revisit it. Apart from the Children of Earth story which was surprisingly fairly good, it was complete shite.

I’m mostly holding out for Children of Earth at this rate, given that it seems to be generally rather well received. But I don’t know if I can be arsed to sit through two shite seasons before I get to it.

I’ll plough through it for now, although I can’t say it’s been a particularly good experience thus far.

There's about on average 1 really good episode per season with Season 1 & 2 and about 2 more average to good episodes per season. The bulk of the episodes are sub-par to terrible I'm afraid. They're either incredibly dull/second rate or annoyingly dumbtarded for base-driven thickos.

The good news is the next episode is marginally better than Chinballs moronic shite you've just endured.

I presumed as such. I’ve decided to disperse my Torchwood viewings with the occasional decent film or series here and there just to ensure that I’m not overly bombarded with crap.

I’ve watched it- certainly an improvement on the last one, and not actually too bad as a script idea. Just undermined by some poor execution and the usual immaturity of the series. I’ll probably discuss it in passing after I watch the inevitably awful Cyberwoman episode.

Bernard Marx wrote:I presumed as such. I’ve decided to disperse my Torchwood viewings with the occasional decent film or series here and there just to ensure that I’m not overly bombarded with crap.

I’ve watched it- certainly an improvement on the last one, and not actually too bad as a script idea. Just undermined by some poor execution and the usual immaturity of the series. I’ll probably discuss it in passing after I watch the inevitably awful Cyberwoman episode.

Very wise!

Treat the Cyberwoman episode as a bit of bombastic comicbook stupidness and you might enjoy it.

This episode got HEAVILY slated for obvious reasons at the time("WTF? It's a cyberman with tits in a cyber-bikini!"), but I quite enjoyed it because I just took it for the farcical stupidness it was.

burrunjor wrote:

Bernard Marx wrote:I’ve now watched Chibnall’s first written episode of Torchwood (and, I believe, his first venture into Who), and this was exactly as awful as I’d expected.

There’s an instant emphasis on just how low-brow and patronising this shite is from the outset- from the clinically juvenile dialogue (Ah, I’m cummin’!... He’ll shag anything living”) to the downright banal concept and the redundant insertions of idiotic scenes. Yes, an alien that feeds off orgasms is certainly the height of adult TV.

Did we need to see the CCTV monitor wanking off to both adolescents getting in on in the toilet fast cut with obnoxious editing? Does it say anything of value? Does the episode bother to critique this action? No, but Chibnall is constantly adamant that we embrace this bollocks, as evidenced by the episode’s revelling in Jack and the rest of the main cast being entranced by Gwen being sexually assaulted and on the brink of death on the monitor for a stupid gag. Completely indulgent on Chibnall’s part, and a pitiful display of characterisation on every level.

Add to this the sheer vacuity behind every bloody character in this tripe, the additional inclusion of obnoxious music cues, appallingly choppy direction and completely lack of maturity and integrity within the script, and a precedent is set for Chibnall’s status as a Who writer.

Regardless of the programme’s intention to be perceived as “adult”, absolutely no nuance is provided to the characters in this series, and the tone at hand is so condescending and childish that any pretence of intelligence dissipates instantly. A considerable step down from the first episode (which wasn’t especially good to begin with), and one of the most vacuous examples of Who material I have had the displeasure to experience.

It was absolutely ghastly. It was also a rip off, of a not particularly good episode of Angel about a Demon preying on people through sex.

The Angel episode however at least wasn't infantile. It didn't focus on sex, more on how the Demon preys on the lonely people who get forgotten about in LA.

Supernatural did it best with the Siren episode. This however was just a joke.

Also; this rather silly film from 1982:



In which invisible aliens get off on the pheromones created in the human brain during orgasm.

Rob Filth wrote:

Bernard Marx wrote:I presumed as such. I’ve decided to disperse my Torchwood viewings with the occasional decent film or series here and there just to ensure that I’m not overly bombarded with crap.

I’ve watched it- certainly an improvement on the last one, and not actually too bad as a script idea. Just undermined by some poor execution and the usual immaturity of the series. I’ll probably discuss it in passing after I watch the inevitably awful Cyberwoman episode.

Very wise!

Treat the Cyberwoman episode as a bit of bombastic comicbook stupidness and you might enjoy it.

This episode got HEAVILY slated for obvious reasons at the time("WTF? It's a cyberman with tits in a cyber-bikini!"), but I quite enjoyed it because I just took it for the farcical stupidness it was.

It seems to be universally reviled around here, so I think it’ll piss me off either way. Even friends of mine who are usually more partial to NuWho content than myself (or at least RTD’s style of showrunning) thought it was utterly appalling.

I’ll probably laugh at it at some stage, mind. It sounds hilariously bad, although whether I’ll be able to stomach it is another question. I’ll be back in a few hours with a review- I’ll be off for a walk and be getting some reading done in the meantime. It’s best to read something intelligent and obtain moments of introspection before and after watching Torchwood, otherwise it might prove to be too much .

Bernard Marx wrote:It seems to be universally reviled around here, so I think it’ll piss me off either way. Even friends of mine who are usually more partial to NuWho content than myself (or at least RTD’s style of showrunning) thought it was utterly appalling.

I’ll probably laugh at it at some stage, mind. It sounds hilariously bad, although whether I’ll be able to stomach it is another question. I’ll be back in a few hours with a review- I’ll be off for a walk and be getting some reading done in the meantime. It’s best to read something intelligent and obtain moments of introspection before and after watching Torchwood, otherwise it might prove to be too much .

It's pretty much universally reviled all round but strangely enough I thought it far from being the worst episode of Torchwood, the worse ones are incredibly dull, whereas I would describe "Cyberwoman" as a "Timelash" - entertaining for all of the wrong reasons.

Without giving too much away, Ianto's blubbing is fucking hilarious in it.