Torchwood: Series 1, Episode 1 review

I’ve now sat down and watched the opening episode of Torchwood (as written by RTD), and it left me feeling completely hollow in every way.

The usual RTD traits were there in abundance: Weak uses of bathos within scenes that are supposed to be tension filled (see the guy who makes a humorous comment before being devoured by the Weevil followed by some appalling editing) and completely out of place soap-orientated subplots with twattish dialogue “Get off my fuckin’ girlfriend, you bastard”, followed by “I’m so ‘avin you!”- what was the point of this scene at all? It contributes nothing to the overall narrative and lacks any sophistication or subtext beyond a meagre moronic line of dialogue. Utter tripe. Not exactly adult drama, is it?

Though the episode also seemed to have an added touch of lethargy and complacency to it too. The entire episode seemed completely charmless and lacking in any ingenuity or original ideas (yes, plan view shots of Jack standing amidst ledges of buildings with a superhero slant is very unique, isn’t it Russell?), whilst the characterisation didn’t seem especially varied or intelligent at all. Gwen’s discovery of Torchwood itself seemed rather contrived and rushed in itself (and how the fuck are they a secret organisation when the local Pizza outlets are aware of them?), although this could be applied to the overall plot structure of the episode itself. It seemed very choppy from the outset. The music seemed especially intrusive too (typical of Murray Gold) and rarely seemed to serve anything substantial.

It’s difficult for me to outline a coherent review of this episode as I didn’t find myself especially invested in the storytelling at hand. As a whole, uninspired and mediocre shite, although I suspect it gets even worse going forward. Chibnall seems to have written episode 2, so I expect nothing else.

Wait til you get to episode 2, it's even worse.

Funnily enough I'm reading a 2000ad story at the moment(a novelisation from it) called "Caballistics Inc" which is about a secret ghostbusting/paranormal investigative team spun off from a secret Govt organisation called Q Division,(They even have their own Brigadier who mentions trouble with Yeti in the London Underground!) and it reminds me very much like Torchwood but with good proper entertaining and well rounded developed characters who interact very well together and with some fairly good solid intriguing plots which are adult without sinking to juvenile puerility.

The brief was to make the story very "BBC series" rather than "Hollywood Blockbuster" and I can really envisage such a serial being made on the BBC. It succeeds in every way narratively that Torchwood failed, but given the date it was published between 2003-2007 it makes me wonder whether the comic book series inspired Fathead to cobble together his third rate piss poor copy in "Torchwood"?

Episode 2 is astonishingly bad. It's essentially a 12 year old's idea of what "adult" TV looks like.

You’ll both get my thoughts on episode 2 when I watch it tomorrow. Expect a rant by the sounds of it.

Rob Filth wrote:Wait til you get to episode 2, it's even worse.

Funnily enough I'm reading a 2000ad story at the moment(a novelisation from it) called "Caballistics Inc" which is about a secret ghostbusting/paranormal investigative team spun off from a secret Govt organisation called Q Division,(They even have their own Brigadier who mentions trouble with Yeti in the London Underground!) and it reminds me very much like Torchwood but with good proper entertaining and well rounded developed characters who interact very well together and with some fairly good solid intriguing plots which are adult without sinking to juvenile puerility.

The brief was to make the story very "BBC series" rather than "Hollywood Blockbuster" and I can really envisage such a serial being made on the BBC. It succeeds in every way narratively that Torchwood failed, but given the date it was published between 2003-2007 it makes me wonder whether the comic book series inspired Fathead to cobble together his third rate piss poor copy in "Torchwood"?

I love Caballistics Inc. As far as I'm concerned it and Quatermass take place in the same universe as True Who due to all the references.

Bernard Marx wrote:You’ll both get my thoughts on episode 2 when I watch it tomorrow. Expect a rant by the sounds of it.

I look forward to it.

The Cyberwoman episode is I think one of the worst pieces of television ever made.

Oh yeah, about the swearing. Get used to it, because it is constant for damn near every episode. Some are justified in using it, but for the most part, it's like a 12 year old edgy teen writing a script during puberty while listening to Slipknot and Linkin Park for a living.
As a quick sidenote, I noticed that the RTD era used the term 'hell' or 'oh my God' a lot and it's almost as egregious as the swears in Torchwood, because it feels like RTD has to put in something to justify its 12 rating for some reason, when there's many amounts of clunky dialogue that did not need it.

SomeCallMeEnglishGiraffe wrote:Oh yeah, about the swearing. Get used to it, because it is constant for damn near every episode. Some are justified in using it, but for the most part, it's like a 12 year old edgy teen writing a script during puberty while listening to Slipknot and Linkin Park for a living.
As a quick sidenote, I noticed that the RTD era used the term 'hell' or 'oh my God' a lot and it's almost as egregious as the swears in Torchwood, because it feels like RTD has to put in something to justify its 12 rating for some reason, when there's many amounts of clunky dialogue that did not need it.

I have to say I never minded the milder 'biblical' profanity in RTD's era, or indeed in the Big Finish audios. It seemed more authentic that characters in panic situations might use looser language and heated exclamations. And I'll always prefer realistic to clean.

Certainly there are times in Classic Who (Four to Doomsday and Dragonfire particularly come to mind) where the 'cleaner' insults and frayed arguments jarred far more than real swearing would've done.

However, if a franchise like Doctor Who/Torchwood or modern Star Trek goes to the level of F-bombs, it does feel jarring and cheap, partly because it doesn't seem to quite fit that show's universe, but also because it rubs in how the franchise spent 50 years prior never having to resort to that before.

It just feels out of place in the extreme.

It's been a long time... but yeah, it was fucking shit.

SomeCallMeEnglishGiraffe wrote:Oh yeah, about the swearing. Get used to it, because it is constant for damn near every episode. Some are justified in using it, but for the most part, it's like a 12 year old edgy teen writing a script during puberty while listening to Slipknot and Linkin Park for a living.
As a quick sidenote, I noticed that the RTD era used the term 'hell' or 'oh my God' a lot and it's almost as egregious as the swears in Torchwood, because it feels like RTD has to put in something to justify its 12 rating for some reason, when there's many amounts of clunky dialogue that did not need it.

I’m fine with obscenity in fiction, and have never had a problem with it in question. I throw out my fair share of obscenities on the forum and in real life too. My issue, as you acknowledge, is the arbitrary and often downright fuckwitted manner in which such obscenities and sexual language are inserted- the example I used was inserted within a subplot that had absolutely no relevance to anything within the plot, and seemed inserted purely to reinforce the soap opera elements of RTD’s writing.

I can imagine episode 2 being much worse in this respect, mind, given what everyone here has said about it. The premise itself sounds completely farcical and idiotic on its own.

Rob Filth wrote:Wait til you get to episode 2, it's even worse.

Funnily enough I'm reading a 2000ad story at the moment(a novelisation from it) called "Caballistics Inc" which is about a secret ghostbusting/paranormal investigative team spun off from a secret Govt organisation called Q Division,(They even have their own Brigadier who mentions trouble with Yeti in the London Underground!) and it reminds me very much like Torchwood but with good proper entertaining and well rounded developed characters who interact very well together and with some fairly good solid intriguing plots which are adult without sinking to juvenile puerility.

The brief was to make the story very "BBC series" rather than "Hollywood Blockbuster" and I can really envisage such a serial being made on the BBC. It succeeds in every way narratively that Torchwood failed, but given the date it was published between 2003-2007 it makes me wonder whether the comic book series inspired Fathead to cobble together his third rate piss poor copy in "Torchwood"?

Hmm.. sounds very likely, yet as much as I like Caballistics Inc, strangely enough, I never made that connection (although at the time, I did get a letter printed in 2000AD, pointing out the Who/Quatermass references in a Caballistics Inc story).

Davies was quite honest about being influenced by 2000AD -  he's cribbed from the Galaxy's Greatest quite a few times - there's Gridlock's Newscaster 'Sally Calypso' who was a homage/ripoff of a similar character in The Ballad of Halo Jones, called 'Swifty Frisko', as well as a suited fella who looks very similar to Judge Dredd's Max Normal, the pinstripe freak (Dredd's informer) and the Judoon, with their brutal, hard-line adherence to law and order, seem inspired by the Judges of Mega-City 1, while also reminding us of the Kleggs from the Dredd story; 'The Day The Law Died'.

There's lots more...

burrunjor wrote:I love Caballistics Inc. As far as I'm concerned it and Quatermass take place in the same universe as True Who due to all the references.

Yup, I reckon so too! I really like the character of Hannah Chapter, she's like a kickass Velma from Scooby Doo! In fact, all of the characters are pretty good, unlike Torchwood where they're either thickos, incompetents, inconsistent or just completely unlikable.

I'm just reading the Caballistics Inc. novel "Hell on Earth" and it's pretty good entertaining stuff. I've never heard of the author Mike Wild before though and wondering if it's a just a pen name of Gordon Rennies?

burrunjor wrote:

Bernard Marx wrote:You’ll both get my thoughts on episode 2 when I watch it tomorrow. Expect a rant by the sounds of it. 

I look forward to it. 

The Cyberwoman episode is I think one of the worst pieces of television ever made. 

Funny enough, as utterly dumb as it is, I felt myself strangely liking the "Cyberwoman" episode. I think it was because it was so utterly stupid and ridiculous that it was impossible to take seriously or hold a suspension of disbelief. Sort of like "Timelash" - entertaining, but for ALL of the wrong reasons.

Kaijuko wrote:Hmm.. sounds very likely, yet as much as I like Caballistics Inc, strangely enough, I never made that connection (although at the time, I did get a letter printed in 2000AD, pointing out the Who/Quatermass references in a Caballistics Inc story).

Davies was quite honest about being influenced by 2000AD -  he's cribbed from the Galaxy's Greatest quite a few times - there's Gridlock's Newscaster 'Sally Calypso' who was a homage/ripoff of a similar character in The Ballad of Halo Jones, called 'Swifty Frisko', as well as a suited fella who looks very similar to Judge Dredd's Max Normal, the pinstripe freak (Dredd's informer) and the Judoon, with their brutal, hard-line adherence to law and order, seem inspired by the Judges of Mega-City 1, while also reminding us of the Kleggs from the Dredd story; 'The Day The Law Died'.

There's lots more...

Yeah "Gridlock" is quite blatant in it's 2000ad influences, must admit I didn't spot the Halo Jones one though.

RTD is actually not too bad a graphic artist, I certainly think he's better in that field than in script writing where most of his stuff bar the soap dialogue elements are unoriginal third rate rip offs.

Rob Filth wrote:
RTD is actually not too bad a graphic artist, I certainly think he's better in that field than in script writing where most of his stuff bar the soap dialogue elements are unoriginal third rate rip offs.

Absolutely - he's actually an accomplished illustrator, and as a (very) amateur cartoonist myself, I admire/envy his talent:

Kaijuko wrote:

Rob Filth wrote:
RTD is actually not too bad a graphic artist, I certainly think he's better in that field than in script writing where most of his stuff bar the soap dialogue elements are unoriginal third rate rip offs.

Absolutely - he's actually an accomplished illustrator, and as a (very) amateur cartoonist myself, I admire/envy his talent:

I would say RTD is the diametric opposite to Charlie Brooker who worked on some of the shit comics I on occasion threw my untalented shite at. Some people would no doubt disagree with me on this, but it was obvious in the 90's that Charlie Brooker was a good script writer but fucking awful at doing the art. 

With Fathead I would say the opposite.

I’ve just watched episode 2- what a load of utterly moronic and downright crass bollocks that was. Chibnall’s writing is amongst the most juvenile I have ever seen. I shall write a full review on a separate thread later.

Bernard Marx wrote:I’ve just watched episode 2- what a load of utterly moronic and downright crass bollocks that was. Chibnall’s writing is amongst the most juvenile I have ever seen. I shall write a full review on a separate thread later.

Lol.

Didn't you like the bit where, "Oh look our team mates life is in jeopardy but let's just all collectively perve around this monitor instead"?

Given that this example of Chibnall's "hilarious" writing along with Fatheads "comedy" date-rape device Owen uses in episode 1, it's pretty obvious that both men are potential serial rapists.

Rob Filth wrote:

Bernard Marx wrote:I’ve just watched episode 2- what a load of utterly moronic and downright crass bollocks that was. Chibnall’s writing is amongst the most juvenile I have ever seen. I shall write a full review on a separate thread later.

Lol.

Didn't you like the bit where, "Oh look our team mates life is in jeopardy but let's just all collectively perve around this monitor instead"?

Given that this example of Chibnall's "hilarious" writing along with Fatheads "comedy" date-rape device Owen uses in episode 1, it's pretty obvious that both men are potential serial rapists.

Christ, that scene was so fucking awful to the point of not even being humorous. The way everyone in the room is entranced by it for two seconds, followed by Jack being incapable of turning his eyes away from it for an extra five seconds in succession completely beggared belief.

You’ve got a point, and Chibnall did also arbitrarily insert a scene where a CCTV monitor decided to wank himself off to two young people getting in on in a toilet before the guy essentially fucked himself to death. What was the point of showing him jerking off at all? I’ve heard that the rest of his episodes are similar in terms of arbitrary and adolescent sexual insertions. In all seriousness, he probably does it just to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Christ- that was such a pile of crap. So much for being a “progressive writer” as Chibnall was touted as once Whittaker was cast. His Torchwood scripts seem sex-obsessed more than anything else!

I don’t even have an issue at all with sexual content in fiction- it’s when, as with this episode, it’s presented through the lens of an immature teenager that it grates as badly as it does.

Bernard Marx wrote:
I don’t even have an issue at all with sexual content in fiction- it’s when, as with this episode, it’s presented through the lens of an immature teenager that it grates as badly as it does.

Yeah, I agree. The "adult" elements in Torchwood are rarely adult and more often than not embarrassingly juvenile.

In fact, CBBC's Sarah Jane Adventures dealt with adult themes far more coherently and often than Torchwoods hamfisted attempts.