Pepsi Maxil wrote:In all seriousness, I'm already done with everything and I'm only 20. I'm constantly pining for a period I never experienced and looking for a way out without going to the extreme lengths of killing myself. I fuel my porn addiction so I become trapped in a trance-like state where nothing outside my little bubble matters. This is particularly dangerous when everything in real life starts to mount up and I have to eventually face it. I fear living and I fear dying. I'm really sorry you feel the way you do, Boofer. The belief that my life is being heavily scrutinised by an unseen entity and that if I persist on making the same mistakes I will be punished severely in the afterlife has turned me into a bit of a nervous wreck. The line between what's right and what's wrong has become blurred to me. This forum has helped me through a lot and if it disappeared tomorrow forever I would be absolutely devastated.
Cliché alert, but you have time to pull things around. I'll be 43 next month, so it's a little too late for me to reinvent myself. You don't want to drift through life and find yourself waking up in 20 years wondering where the hell your life has gone.
You have wanking, I have substances. I spent most of the previous decade stoned enough to make life more interesting, but too stoned to do anything. Last year I only had two months or so where I vaped. However, I struggled to motivate myself before I became a heavy cannabis user, and whether I do or not seems to have little effect on my productivity.
I've really only given up due to financial constraints. I'm never happier than when I'm stoned; watching the waves crash onto the beach, or when listening to bird song as the little buggers patter about on sun-soaked branches. It's as if the distractions of the world seem to dissipate and my thoughts become less intrusive.
As a humanist I can only relate to the fear I had of 'God' as a child. The very notion that an omnipotent entity was somehow judging me disturbed me to the point that I ended up rejecting my family's faith (Catholicism) and began reading lots of scientific-based books from the school and local library. These feelings were crystallised after a trip to the natural history museum. I think I was 12 when I first told my mother I no longer believed. She was deeply hurt by it, but I couldn't live a lie any longer.
I disabused myself of any notion of the supernatural very early in my life. I did go through a phase of quite aggressive anti-theism, but backed off when I realised I was hurting many people I loved who had quite benign beliefs. That said, yours do seem a little more malignant and reminiscent of the shit that was flung at me at school and by various men in frocks - like the theological equivalent of ceiling cat, but without the funny shit.